Hay. Exams over. Woot. Slacking time begins. Emoing continues.
Came back from Marc's house 3 hours ago. Went there at 3pm yesterday, played Halo etc., went to his grandparents' house, had dinner, went back to Marc's house, played, read, read, read, played, finally gave up and fell asleep at 7am. Woke up at 12, played some Halo matchmaking, then after lunch was Halo ODST campaign.
Just woke up an hour ago after falling asleep because I'm tired lol.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through
And maybe not that strong on the surface either.
Although I'm supposed to be on a hiatus, I just have to get this off me.
For this entire year I've been hiding behind the usual facade of laughter and being laid-back, although admittedly that is what I always do. But now I'm not so sure whether that's even a good thing.
I'm surrounded by people who are really good in academics, and having my name always at the bottom of the class actually, despite how I react when I first hear it, is really depressing. Of course, I can have the usual defense that academics isn't everything, but its not that simple. I'm torn between continuing with the usual bullshit of just screwing around and enjoying life as it is (terrible), and getting the typical "I'm going to mug now so go away" attitude which seems to have come over most people I know.
Yet, even if I continue as I am, I'm not even sure that's a good thing. Laughing everything off might be good in the short term, but I'm sensing that most people regard me as a fail. In class I just laugh and pretend to ignore it, but deep down I feel more and more uncomfortable and insecure.
I've also been a hypocrite, and I have to apologise to all those people (not many xD) who I've been an asshole to, argued with or just generally get rather pissed off at. I suppose most of the time its probably my fault, yet I still continue to argue. I'm starting to feel really insecure, like to my closer friends, I'm starting to wonder whether they stick with me because I stick with them and their just being nice and not asking me to screw off, or they really treat me as a friend. 1 year, or even 6 months ago, I've never had this feeling before, but this is becoming more frequent every day.
I've been meaning to post this for some time, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know if I'm just burying myself under a facade, hoping that it would all somehow go away. This is the first time I've ever felt so under pressure and insecure, not even during PSLE. The timing of this post is quite crap, just after my birthday and just before EoYs.
I can't really find many words to express what I'm currently feeling, although I find Linkin Park's songs have a lot of relevance. I suppose you have to read deeper into the lyrics to figure out how I'm really feeling.
Crawling - Linkin Park
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It`s haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real
(There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface)
Consuming, confusing what is real
(This lack of self-control I fear is never ending)
Controlling, confusing what is real.
Although I'm supposed to be on a hiatus, I just have to get this off me.
For this entire year I've been hiding behind the usual facade of laughter and being laid-back, although admittedly that is what I always do. But now I'm not so sure whether that's even a good thing.
I'm surrounded by people who are really good in academics, and having my name always at the bottom of the class actually, despite how I react when I first hear it, is really depressing. Of course, I can have the usual defense that academics isn't everything, but its not that simple. I'm torn between continuing with the usual bullshit of just screwing around and enjoying life as it is (terrible), and getting the typical "I'm going to mug now so go away" attitude which seems to have come over most people I know.
Yet, even if I continue as I am, I'm not even sure that's a good thing. Laughing everything off might be good in the short term, but I'm sensing that most people regard me as a fail. In class I just laugh and pretend to ignore it, but deep down I feel more and more uncomfortable and insecure.
I've also been a hypocrite, and I have to apologise to all those people (not many xD) who I've been an asshole to, argued with or just generally get rather pissed off at. I suppose most of the time its probably my fault, yet I still continue to argue. I'm starting to feel really insecure, like to my closer friends, I'm starting to wonder whether they stick with me because I stick with them and their just being nice and not asking me to screw off, or they really treat me as a friend. 1 year, or even 6 months ago, I've never had this feeling before, but this is becoming more frequent every day.
I've been meaning to post this for some time, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know if I'm just burying myself under a facade, hoping that it would all somehow go away. This is the first time I've ever felt so under pressure and insecure, not even during PSLE. The timing of this post is quite crap, just after my birthday and just before EoYs.
I can't really find many words to express what I'm currently feeling, although I find Linkin Park's songs have a lot of relevance. I suppose you have to read deeper into the lyrics to figure out how I'm really feeling.
Crawling - Linkin Park
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It`s haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real
(There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface)
Consuming, confusing what is real
(This lack of self-control I fear is never ending)
Controlling, confusing what is real.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Test/Exams
Gah. Recently there has been a lot of test being given out. Can't say I did exceedingly well, but I did manage to pass maths, despite my emo angsting that I would fail. I actually passed :D, by one mark though -.-
Got back English compre today, pwnt everyone with mah 22/25. Lost to Gabriel though.
LOL filmed science advertisement today. I washed my hair and applied the shampoo, but since I'm totally do not have a crew cut the foam didn't appear. After I delegated my responsibilities to Mr. YY since he has like more hair than me, we filmed the thing. Well, we filmed scene 1 and 3 where my filming was pro.
Then did scene 2 after several million dry runs and trials and failures.
Gah going on a hiatus until after EoYs, just like (mostly) everyone who has a blog.
Got back English compre today, pwnt everyone with mah 22/25. Lost to Gabriel though.
LOL filmed science advertisement today. I washed my hair and applied the shampoo, but since I'm totally do not have a crew cut the foam didn't appear. After I delegated my responsibilities to Mr. YY since he has like more hair than me, we filmed the thing. Well, we filmed scene 1 and 3 where my filming was pro.
Then did scene 2 after several million dry runs and trials and failures.
Gah going on a hiatus until after EoYs, just like (mostly) everyone who has a blog.
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